she looked like the before picture.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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