i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
