My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
