you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
