Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
