So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
