I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
