T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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