I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
