All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
