Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
