I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
