we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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