R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
