we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
