don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
