There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
