Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
