I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Randomize
