Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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