I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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