I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
