dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
