I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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