all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
