how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think weed is turning my hair brown
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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