totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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