Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
