if you like me you must not know who I am
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
