If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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