True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
