god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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