you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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