i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Never underestimate the power of titties
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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