I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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