i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
