I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
it's like iHOP with fire
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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