I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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