I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
