I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
