I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
