im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
