I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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