I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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