I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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