I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
