dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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