hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
