god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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