i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize