There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
