1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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