I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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