Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
