it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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