I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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