he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
