I must be too annoying 4 u.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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