Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Bring me that man meat
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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