i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
